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“If you can create these moments of connections … we can build for the communication that will make a difference for people.” -Rnold Smith

 

“Back Off!” What a setback that can be for potential communication. Unwittingly though, we put up that sort of aura that create boundaries between us and those around us. How then, should we deal with boundaries with respect while not sacrificing the value of connectivity? And in this world that we’re living in, how can we break this rigid wall that technology has cast between us? Listen in as Art and Rnold reveals the secrets.

 

Listen to the podcast here:

 

Highlights:

00:47 Searching for the Life of My Dreams 
14:09 Know Your Expectations
16:01 The Communication App
20:02 Connection Habits
26:09 Group Dynamics of Relationships
29:31 Boundaries
35:17 Living in A Technology World with No Boundaries
50:12 Getting the Connection Back Open
53:50 Meet Michelle
 

Resources:

Connection App

 

Quotes:

 “Sometimes people can get left behind. And it’s so easy for us to lose sight of that.” –Rnold Smith

“I decided that if I was going to live, then I would try and live the life of my dreams.” -Rnold Smith

“When you look at the future, there’s some challenges. But I think that we as a people, as a humanity, have the capacity to address them. But only if we work together.”-Rnold Smith

“I think that, for the most part, we are way more similar than we are different.”-Rnold Smith

“When people don’t identify their own expectations, then they’re susceptible to the expectations of others.”– Art Costello

“We actually experience the emotions that someone else is feeling. And that’s how we communicate.”-Rnold Smith

“I can’t hold on to negativity and say something positive at the same time; I can’t search for something positive and somehow maintain my negativity.”-Rnold Smith

“Faith attracts and fear rejects.” – Art Costello

“Our expectations are the basic seed from what we grow; I think it was implanted in each and every one of us. It’s the one thing that is solely ours.”– Art Costello

“I think when people are heard, they feel validated.” – Art Costello

“What happens when we connect online…we feel like we’re connected. So we feel like we’re feeling good. But what we don’t get is the positive physiological response.”-Rnold Smith

“When you search for something positive … that allows for a space, open up for a conversation.”-Rnold Smith

“If you can create these moments of connections, if we can stay connected as a people, and our shared goodness, that’s the foundation that we can build for the communication that will make the difference for people.”-Rnold Smith

 

Is connectivity and communication lost in time? Listen in as @myexpectation confers with @RnoldSmith on how to reclaim your relationships #connectionhabits #communication #communicationapp #tecnology #boundaries Click To Tweet

 

Trancriptions:

ART: Welcome to the Shower Epiphany’s podcast. Today I am honored to have Rnold Smith. He is an author, he is probably one of the most profound guys on relationships and communication, which as you all know, is near and dear to my heart. So…I don’t want to take away his thunder. I’m going to let him tell his story. So Rnold, welcome to the show and can you tell us your story and how you got to where you’re at?

“Sometimes people can get left behind. And it's so easy for us to lose sight of that.” –RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: Alright, thanks for, uh, thanks for having me on, I really appreciate it. You know, when we are talking about the show, you said go back as far as your wife and I, you know, I, I think that it’s hard to tell my story without going back to my childhood. So I think I’ll start there, and I’m gonna kind of do it a bit of a circuitous route? You know, how did I get to where I am today? I was talking with a fellow who created a program called worth hats and one of his friends committed suicide and in order to honor him, his name was Jacob Worth in order to honor him, you credit 25 hats and gave them to his closest friends and family. And then a few years later, another one of his friends committed suicide, and he realized that people really need to have this connection in the world. And so he now has this company where if you buy a hat, it funds a one on one therapy session. And after I heard that story about a week ago, it really reminded me that, so when I was nine years old, my father took his own life. And then people often ask me, you know, why did you create the connection app? Why did you, you know, what motivates you to try and get people to connect? And although, uh, you know, in my adult life, I didn’t really relate to it. Like, that was why I think that obviously as that, that small child, if I thought, if only he had, I mean, why is there something I could do is, was there something that someone could do that could, they could have made a difference for him. And I think that that’s kind of informed my life and about how I’ve operated is how sometimes people can get left behind. And it’s so easy for us to lose sight of that. Back in 2005, I, uh, I got married and it made me so happy. I’ve got this amazing wife and at that time I thought, you know, everybody should have a relationship like this. And so I created a project and I called it the honeymoon project and it was designed to encourage you guys to do the things that make them feel like they’re on their honeymoon. So, and it was, it was already, you know, I’ve had a couple of dozen guys take part, but it kind of fizzled after a while. I just didn’t quite have the, you know, the setup to make it go. But the idea never left me. And the idea that can we make a positive difference for people in the world? And if that was the case, what would I do? When I was 19, my mother had passed away of lung cancer when I was 17 and I was 19. I really had a choice to make. I was wondering if this life was worth living. And I decided that if I was going to live, that I would try and live the life of my dreams. Of course, at 19, I thought that meant being a rock star. So I, you know, I’ve started learning to sing and play musical instruments, but as I grew older I realized that, you know, that kind of accomplishment, that kind of fame isn’t really what it means to live the life of your dreams. More and more It meant to me having, being surrounded by love, by having great relationships with yourself, having great relationships with your friends, uh, eventually with your partner and with your kids. And that, to me, that’s the wealth of life. And, um, I also think that it’s really important to contribute everything that you’ve got. So to use your talents and your expertise to make a difference for your community in the world. And I guess this, uh, this project of where I’m at today is the marrying of those two things is, if I could make a contribution to the world that would be to have people be more connected, to have their relationships be providing the kind of happiness and fulfillment that is possible, then the house and, and there’s, you know, it’s not a simple thing to do. So that’s, I, I’m not sure if I’ve got my story on there, but that’s the reason why I started the company and why we built the APP and why I’m here now.

“I decided that if I was going to live, then I would try and live the life of my dreams.” -RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: Yeah, it’s a beautiful story and, and I really relate to it because at nine years old, my experience was that I was abandoned, but it wasn’t in the traditional sense of abandonment. I wasn’t left on the firehouse door or the police station steps. My parents moved from the city to the country and I had played baseball all my life and moving to the country, not having a neighbor within miles of this, I felt lonely and abandoned. And I went to this hilltop and had a conversation with God. And that’s where my epiphany came from is that when I had this conversation, I learned that if you’ll just let it be and just become a doer and just make things happen all the time. And I pretty much live my life all this way I’ve done everything I’ve wanted. Um, you know, I’ve been in the music business, the entertainment business.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Uh, I’ve done on my own companies and all that so, man I really identify with what you went through. Not in the sense that I, I lost a parent to suicide that’s tragic and uh, you know, we could have a lot of conversation around that. I have a lot of friends who have lost their children and to suicide and it’s a huge problem in America right now, because kids have lost hope –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -and faith –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -that, that there is a greater tomorrow. What do you, how do you feel about that? I mean, you have any thoughts on that?

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah, a lot of thoughts you know, Art uh, I think that’s one of the hardest things is our experience right now is based on what we believe the future will be. And I agree with you I think that it’s so easily, uh, there’s, uh, a book called the upward spiral by doctor Alex Korb and talks about how easy it is to go on that downward spiral of depression. And one of the things, one of the ways to eliminate that is just being around people like even just gives an example in the book is often times when you’re feeling depressed, the last thing you want to do is reach out to people. But even just going to a coffee shop, not talking to anybody and just being in that coffee shop around people changes your physiology actually helps to lift you from your depression now, go next step further. If you can have relationships where you really have people connecting with you, it’s one of the best ways to lift you out of that. And you know, when you look at the future there’s some challenges, you know. But I think that we as a people, as a humanity have the capacity to address them. But only if we work together, I think that when I quote them, I think about connection and what I wanna do is like maybe that’s the hidden, you know, cause there, they really want to help the world but I just want to solve this piece if we worked together as a team, you know.

“When you look at the future, there's some challenges. But I think that we as a people, as a humanity, have the capacity to address them. But only if we work together.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: Yeah, one of the things that you said that really just resonated with me was about that Corbyn and his spiral down.

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm.

ART: I operate in a different direction I aspire all up through expectations.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Because my area of expertise is in expectations that I believe that at nine years old my thoughts change entirely cause I was, I don’t want to say I was suicidal but I was near it. I was so depressed and so lonely and when I had that conversation with God, I’ve realized that for me I had to stop relying on the expectations of others –

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm.

ART: -and rely on the expectation of myself. And it’s a long story and I don’t want to get into it cause I’ll take your whole show. But, It was really the dynamics of the situation that brought me to that realization, but I’ve always spiraled up, always.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: I don’t ever spiraled down and I don’t let myself go there. I catch it before I go there, but –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -there’s so many things that you mentioned in your story that we have in common music and I believe that music is a form of communication. Dances, a form of communication, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah, absolutely.

ART: -but nothing is great is that sense of connection and communication. When your eye to eye and you see somebody that’s why I wanted to do a video with you and I did a, because when you see there’s a connection when we see, when I see you smile or I see your frown or I see your eyes do something, there’s, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm.

ART: -that’s part of communicating.

RNOLD SMITH: –No question.

ART: My wife always goes nuts with me because I can get on a subway in New York. Not I went know anybody and get off of there and have five new friends.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Are you like that?

RNOLD SMITH: Oh yeah, very much so you know, there was a really interesting study, I think I was out of the University of Chicago and it was about, it does interacting with strangers increase positivity and so they first determined that yes, in fact having you know conversations with people who aren’t connected to you, does lift you up and then they try to have a why doesn’t this happen more often? Anyway, they had four different studies, but the, what they ended up with was about 80 to 85% of people want to have more interactions with strangers, but they think that only about 10% of people actually wanna have those interactions. So even though most people want to, their perception is that most people don’t. And so that’s the I mean it’s a sad thing in our society that most people are craving that connection. Really want to connect, but don’t think anyone else does because you know, you get that, you know, you just, you get the look or the not looked or not. I don’t wanna bother them you know, you want to be polite, but I’m like, Hey, I’m gonna hey, how are you doing? you know.

ART: My wife says, I don’t let that happen to people. The minute they give me a little bit of space, I can connect with people. And it’s partly because I’ve traveled so much and I know so many different places and, and cultures and everything, and I can pick up on it real quick where somebody is from and I know how to interact with them and boom, we hit it and we start talking. My wife is teased me all the time about, I’ve never had a husband who had so many girlfriends because I can connect with people and women are more app to connect than men, I have found it out. Why do you think that is?

RNOLD SMITH: Oh, you know, I, I’m, I’m a, I’m a pretty much a champion for, uh, that we’re way more similar than we are different. I think that there’s some ghostly, we get a lot of influences and we kind of picked that up in terms of, you know, what’s okay, what’s not okay. I think that oftentimes, you know, we’d go back to the millions of years, you know, back that the women had to work together to create mixture that cave was safe and men had to focus on their own mixture the Hunter didn’t get killed and so, you know, is there some biology in that? It’s possible, but I think that really people are shaped the same way. And it really is, you know, that stiff upper lip, you know, what men are taught is acceptable and what women are taught is acceptable. I think that men are taught to kind of suppress our emotions sometimes and where women are taught to express them. And so, you know, I think that when you’re in that, when you’re sitting on on that, it’s really hard to connect with people because then you have to feel them. So I don’t know, uh you know, I think that for the most part we are way more similar than we are different. But I do think that there’s a lot of social conditioning that goes into how people behave and that might be one of the reasons.

“I think that, for the most part, we are way more similar than we are different.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: Yeah, there is a lot of social conditioning and that’s why you have to live to your own set of expectations because, those social expectations that we have, and I’ve done a lot of research in this and those social expectations we have that are put on us by advertisers, by religion, by, I mean so many different things, uh, set up, uh, political. I mean, it just –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -goes the whole spectrum of everything, which when we start living to their expectations, we don’t live to our own.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yes.

ART: And you lose sense of yourself, which causes the depression, which causes the suicides and all that. When you start trying to meet the expectations of everybody else and uh it’s, we got to get rid of it, I mean, we really, really got to get rid of it. And, um, I’m uh, I’ll be, uh, your champion. If, if we could work together any way to do that I’m for it.

RNOLD SMITH: Oh, I love it. Well, you know, –

ART: –Because.

RNOLD SMITH: -I think that is just knowing your own expectations. I mean, sometimes we’re so numb, were so unaware that we go through our entire day, like we have no idea. Like, and we get frustrated and we get upset and we don’t realize that, that those frustrations or upsets come from us not like an expectation that’s not being met. That skill of taking that frustration and translating that into this is what I expect from you is not something that people naturally do. It really takes a cognitive effort to, to make that connection.

ART: Absolutely, absolutely. You know, and uh, we, what happens is that, uh, when people don’t identify their own expectations, then they’re susceptible to the expectations of others.

“When people don't identify their own expectations, then they're susceptible to the expectations of others.”- Art Costello Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm Mm.

ART: And it really, really send you it in off into that land of uncertainty. And that’s why I tell, I have a lot of therapists that I work with who are of the belief that we shouldn’t have expectations. And my thing to them is, okay, you cannot have expectations. You have, everybody has expectations. It’s the expectations of others and plus we have to learn to manage our expectations.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: That’s the key to it is managing them and that’s what I teach.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah. 

ART: The way that I get people who say they don’t have expectations. I’ll say, take your right hand and put it over your nostrils in your left hand over your mouth and now clamp down. Why can’t do that? I couldn’t read. I said, there’s your expectation, you have them.

RNOLD SMITH: [inaudible]

ART: Yeah. So, but anyway, let’s we’re want to get off on the expectations thing here. We want to talk about communicating the communication app, explain it to us.

RNOLD SMITH: Sure. When we look at one of the highest human experiences, when you’re experiencing love, I mean it can be measured and it’s really clear. It’s one of the, the most fulfilling feeling of person can have. The research that we did with the connection APP was how can you generate that feeling in another person and what has, what is most supportive in terms of the actions that you can do that to help generate that another person. Uh, and the cool thing is actually doing those actions actually generates the feeling in yourself. Because the way we communicate as a whole thing called mirror neurons, that I’m not a neuroscientist, but I just keep note completely on this. Let me too many studies and books and articles about it but, we actually experience the emotions that someone else is feeling and that’s how we communicate. So in our brains and when two people are in sync, the person who is listening can actually experience the emotion before the other person does. That’s when they’re really in sync. You know the idea, you can see people who are good friends who complete their own sentences, they just are so in sync that they can do that. And so this idea of generating love between two people, you feel it and they feel it. And so the connection habits are all easy actions that you can do that actually help to generate a moment of positivity between you and another person.

“We actually experience the emotions that someone else is feeling. And that's how we communicate.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: Boy, that that resonates with me because I’m an intense listener to people.

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm Mm.

ART: When people start telling me their story and everything, I get intense in my listening and very, very focused on it and I often know where they’re going before they, they ever say anything.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah, very good.

ART: Ever think about it till you just said it, which was I found really interesting. But my wife and I, we are at a place in our lives in, and I’ll give you a little bit of background on us. We met about nine years, well we met about 10 years ago now. She could point yet if I mess this up, we met about 10 years ago, have been married about nine years. I had lost, I had been married for 35 years, lost my wife to ovarian cancer –

RNOLD SMITH: –I’m sorry to hear that.

ART: -and uh, for three years fell apart. My kid slapped me upside the head and said, dad, mom told you not to do this kind of stuff and you know, you need to settle down. So I started looking for someone to date and after kissing many frog its, I was very disappointed and what the whole dating experience.

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm.

ART: Then one day I looked on the, I was looking on match.com and I saw these beautiful set of eyes staring back at me and I wrote this really cutesy kind of thing about wanting to, uh, I see a spark, uh, how would you like to start a fire?

RNOLD SMITH: –Very good.

ART: And she kind of Huff huff me and everything, but she had, she was 53 years old and never been married. She was, I was 10 years older than her. And, um, when we started dating, I knew immediately I said, this is the woman that I’m going to marry.

RNOLD SMITH: Wow.

ART: And, and I knew it immediately and she didn’t. And, and we went through this whole thing. And uh, to make the whole long story short, we ended up really connecting and really having it really, it has been the most fulfilling relationship in my life.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Because we are so connected. I can think something sometimes and she can complete it and, and know exactly what I was gonna say or what I was gonna do-

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -and it, and I can do that with her. And –

RNOLD SMITH: –Oh, great.

ART: I had never experienced that before. I mean, I was married for 35 years and to be honest, my wife and I, my prior white wheat butted heads a lot. I mean, we two different personalities, two different, we were very different people. She was extremely introverted, I’m extremely extroverted.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Just a lot of challenges.

RNOLD SMITH: And it’s interesting you talk about that because that goes to our relationship habits. And you know, one of the things that you’re, you know, that happens in your relationship now is you’ve gone all that life experience and right from the get go you started with the habits that lead to connection and then you just, you just kept going with them. And what can happen when we’re young or when we have less experience, our relationships can start to fall into habits that lead to disconnection and lead to kind of conflict. And we find the status quo, like, you know, when we find a way to coexist, but there’s the connection habits are, are designed to kind of melt that little bit of iceberg. I, I love using it when you’re driving in the car and my wife’s there and nothing’s, you know, like you’re just, it’s just kind of like, you know, nothing’s really going on.

ART: –Yeah.

RNOLD SMITH: And I can reach out to her and I can say, so, um, you know, one of the connection habits is sharing the success and celebrating. So I might ask you, so tell me something successful about your day. And she would say something like, well, Huh, let me think and this you kind of get this moment of whiteness. You go, well I guess you know the Blah Blah Blah. And she would tell the story but then instantly that’s it. You know the positivity moment happen and then you know, then you have that moment of connection and you can kind of go from there. Here’s the thing that’s most important about this and we have a a solo version of the APP for people to do it with their friends or families or their coworkers and we have a couple’s version. Now if I said something really nice, you as a part, you know, like you’ve just got such a friendly appearance, you’re so easy to talk to, you know, I just think you’re just one of the greatest guys in the world.

RNOLD SMITH: It may or may not have a positive impact on you, you can be in a dark place and it has no impact whatsoever. But me, I found something positive. I can’t hold onto negativity and say something positive at the same time, I can’t search for something positive and somehow maintain my negativity. And so this is one of the keys about uh practicing this because when we’re in that kind of chain of a negative thought, when we’re in that kind of stress response, it’s really hard to impact that. But each of the connection habits is really how to generate a different kind of moments of positivity with another person. And even if what you said to your partner didn’t make a difference for them, it has to make a difference for you. You guys, you cannot keep those two things in your brain at the same time. You can’t be like, everything sucks and why I was successful about this today It just, they don’t, they don’t live together.

“I can't hold on to negativity and say something positive at the same time; I can't search for something positive and somehow maintain my negativity.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: It’s an, it comes down to basic physics because negatives…rejecting positives attract. I mean it just, it just basic physics that that actually are the science behind that.

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah.

ART: It’s an absolute truth. People need to understand when you have positives in your life, you cannot be focusing on the negative. It just is impossible. So I, I agree,

RNOLD SMITH: But sadly our, I mean our biology is such that we are constantly scanning our environment for what’s wrong. I mean as you go back to the wild animal in us, we looked, we didn’t look at the environment in something’s out of place and we instantly see it and we, we, we’ve focused on that because it might kill us. So that’s, that’s the biology of the animal in each of us. And so, and also is often the nature of our work. Often the nature of our work is defined to a find a way to improve or solve a problem. And so we’re looking, always constantly looking for what’s not working or what we can fix, especially in the, you know, in the engineering world or in the professional world. Um, and so that has the effect of wiring our brains to actually look for what’s wrong. And it takes a conscious choice to actually find something positive until you make that a habit and that’s why you got to go.

ART: You got to have that expectation.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: You gotta have that expectation. See our expectations work the same way.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: We, we see them through two lenses, either faith or fear, and faith always rejects and fear always attracts, you know, or I mean, faith attracts in fear for your rejects.

“Faith attracts and fear rejects.” - Art Costello Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: But that’s how we look at our expectations. So that, that, you know, and I think that our expectations are the basic seed from what we grow. I think it was implanted in each and every one of us It’s the one thing that is solely ours. No one can take our expectations. They know no prejudices, they are solely ours and it’s how we take and go with them so, you know, it’s powerful. It’s powerful stuff that you’re saying and you know, when an audience that’s listening now, our relationships and our and how we communicate with them, with our spouses and our friends and our work, people are so important.

“Our expectations are the basic seed from what we grow; I think it was implanted in each and every one of us. It's the one thing that is solely ours.”- Art Costello Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah.

ART: And you know, do you want to expound on, on the importance of that, of the, the group dynamics of relationships with, you know…with the world we live in? I mean, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.

RNOLD SMITH: Well, I mean, the sad reality of our society today is that people are really busy. And even if they’re like, in reality not that busy, they feel busy, they feel their time up with often things that aren’t really connecting with other people. You know, I don’t know how many times you’re asked them, how you doing? they say, Oh, oh I’m busy. You know, and,  and so, you know, I was curious. I was like, well, statistically, are we busy? And so if you add up the amount of time that you are spend working, this is statistically the amount of time you spend on your smart phone on social media watching TV, and self-care and eating you get 146 hours a week. Now, if you only sleep six hours a day, that only leaves 126 hours a week. So already you’re oversubscribed before you spend any time working on the relationship. Now, of course people aren’t statistics, but I think it does speak to what we’re spending our time on. And in that business we forget to connect. It is not one of the things that’s a priority. It’s super important but we forget to do those little things that actually make us feel connected to another person. We can literally go through our entire day and not connect with anyone in a meaningful way, you know, not really. When you talk about giving your full attention or really listening, it’s actually one of the connection habits because in our society today, we’re often so distracted with multitasking and trying to do several things at once that we forget to give all of our heart to someone as though listening to really get everything they’re saying. And in fact, that actually creates a dopamine release and a serotonin response. Another person, when someone feels really listened to it actually makes them, it changes their physiology. So that’s what you do with, with your ability to give your full attention. You actually literally changed people’s physiology and put them in a positive frame of mind.

ART: Yeah, I talk a lot about validation. I think when people are heard, they feel validated and when you feel validated, you get that, that Russia, you know, indoor from using a column. [inaudible] But I had another thought and, and it’s going to lead into something I know you want to talk about. And that’s boundaries.

“I think when people are heard, they feel validated.” - Art Costello Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: –Oh, sure.

ART: You know, I mean because one of the thing that people have told me is that I don’t respect boundaries because I’m so when people tell me they’re down, I don’t let them just tell me their down. I’ve got to know why you’re down, what’s making you down, how I can contribute to your rising up and above it.

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm.

ART: And a lot of people see that as an invasion of their boundaries in their space uh, when they don’t want to share. But see, it’s, I feel that I’m compelled because of who I am and how I feel about things to help people. And majority of the time it does. I do help people because I’ll get to talking to somebody and they’ll say, I am so thankful that you’ve spent the time with me talking. But then occasionally I’ll get that person who says, don’t invade my space, man I don’t want your help, I don’t want you near me I, you know, I don’t want to hear your BS. All that kind of stuff.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: What about boundaries with stuff? I mean, how, how do you identify boundaries and.

RNOLD SMITH: Well, I think you just gave such a great example, you know, for the one person may have been worried about your boundary around getting really personal, you know, so that you might have offered their help and name it, you may have encountered some resistance at first because they weren’t sure if you had a boundary around really, you know, hearing what’s going on for me. So I think that there’s a politeness factor there. And then the other side you said if someone said clearly, hey, I don’t want your help. You know, like the like where you know, you, when you made a boundary, you know it.

ART: –Oh yeah.

RNOLD SMITH: I think defining that they can make a huge difference in relationships is just really understanding what that line is uh between, um, what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t.

ART: I think there’s just some people who, who when they know me and they say, I don’t want you invade my space, they’ll come back later and say, okay, I’m ready. Now we can talk about it, but when it’s a perfect stranger and all that. And I mean, I’ve been on a subway in New York City and sat next to a person who literally I could see the tears running down her face.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: And I cannot react to that. And I asked her, are you okay? And she just said no, but you know, kind of just back off. And my wife happened to be sitting next to me and my wife actually said, listen, he’s really good to talk to.

RNOLD SMITH: –Huh.

ART: And he knows what he’s doing. And the lady just started telling me, and she had just gone through some really traumatic stuff in and I was able to tell her, you know, some places where she could go and recommend some friends in New York that she could talk who I knew would help her, you know?

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: And it turned out to be a great relationship that she’s still, sometimes they’ll email me and say, thank you for that day you literally saved my life.

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah. Well, and I think that that’s, it’s one of those things, you know, like…you are a person who wants to make the world a better place. And you know, there’s these, I think most of us have that impetus. And then as you say, you talked about fear, fear stops us, you know, we’re, what could, will I say the right things? What if I make it worse? You know, like can I, do I have the skills? What can I do? And I think that, you know, I, I really have to give you a shout out of admiration for that cause I think I’ve got that impetus to is, you know, don’t leave people lost. You never know the difference you’re gonna make you. Like, you could’ve just said, oh no and your wife might not have said something. And then what would have happened, you know, like she is, she had some hard times, but everybody that she has a positive impact on from that point forward, if she went and took her life, that all that is gone. This is the opportunity we have by just sharing a moment of positivity. You know, like you never know when that moment of encouragement is going to make all difference. It doesn’t matter if it’s the person, if it’s your best friend, or if it’s an emphasis stranger at a bus stop. You know, by, by connecting with people and giving them a boost, you never know the impact about what happened. And each of us has that power every day and you know, part of what you want to talk about, the connection have with, that’s it. I, it’s one of those things that if you have it as a habit, you, you’re gonna do that thousands and thousands of times over the course of your lifetime.

ART: –Absolutely.

RNOLD SMITH: You have no idea the ripples. I mean, just one may have against one conversation. You reached out, you, you were carrying, you were able to listen. That one conversation has all these amazing ripples and here it is, thousands and thousands of opportunities. Every know through the course of your life to create those ripples and positivity.

ART: –Yeah.

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah.

ART: Yeah. I call it the butterfly effect because when a butterfly flaps its wings, it sends out energy –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -and it just ripples all the way across the world. So you know, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -those rippling effects can really, really change people’s lives. Which brings me to the question of, you know, we live in an internet world now. We live in that face that is totally different that I grew up in.

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm.

ART: You know, the kids growing up, my granddaughter are all my granddaughters, all, all four of them, you know, they, they live on electronic stuff and I always worry about how to boundaries affect the Internet now and how do they not affect it, you know, with the communication on there. Because we know that, I mean, I got an instance in my head that we just had an incident here with school letting out that a gentleman decided to get on a iPhone, uh, airdrop or whatever it is.

RNOLD SMITH: -Yeah.

ART: And he was in his late sixties and sent nude pictures of himself to the middle school here.

RNOLD SMITH: –Oh my God.

ART: And all the kids that had iPhones out and everything, they had, the parents had not turned out the air drop off, got the, got the photos and pretty soon everybody was looking at the phone book cause most of the kids had airdrop on.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: And clearly a boundary was crossed and I mean a very serious boundary and he was caught the police got him. I mean, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -Its, and I’m glad about all that, but our children are growing up in this place where there are no boundaries for predators. There are no boundaries for people who do not so nice things. And our kids are so…into the Internet thing and all that they don’t realize that there’s people out there that can prey on them. How to, how to parents set up boundaries for that? I mean –

RNOLD SMITH: It’s such a complex question. I that’s not, you know, uh, technology boundaries where my area of expertise is. But, you know, I think that it’s really important, so –

ART: I w I was thinking more about the mental boundaries, you know, not, not the, the technical.

RNOLD SMITH: Yeah. Uh well, I think you really have to look at what of life do you want to live and you know, is, are you making choices that are gonna support that? And I think that, you know, as an, as a society, we need to find ways to have technology support the life we want as opposed to distract us from what’s important. And I think that so much, uh, I mean there is a movement in the world to make that happen, but I mean technology is so ubiquitous now. It can be really helpful, but it can also be really damaging. And I think just gave a great example of how an unintended, you know, airdrops a great, a great tool, you know, we can just send photos in It was great. And sheriffs, yeah, we’re more connected and then now we have this unintended consequence. And so from a mental boundary perspective, I think that you have to protect yourself, especially from the images. You know, I, uh, if you really read the news, it can be really depressing. I’ve had to you know go, I love the news. You know, I’ll read it all the time. And I’m like, yeah, this is great I like to stay informed. But I really noticed that, you know, at certain times, depending on what’s in the news cycle, it can really impact me emotionally. It can really impact my wellbeing. And I think that this is where you want to have that boundary. You want to really look at is this technology really supporting me? And in a, in a way that’s healthy. And I think that when we often, let me look, it’s not, and I think that’s one of the biggest challenges, whether we’re spending a ton of extra time watching TV or whether we’re getting images or uh, um, new stories or you know, uh, messages that aren’t supporting our wellbeing. And so if you can find a way to do that, and unfortunately, technology companies are really good. They really understand how the brain works and they really understand how to create hooks and to create, you know, that you get curious. I have to know you see that headline and you to know what, what is that thing that you know, what is going to make the volcano blew up tomorrow? What is gonna you know, how do I lose weight and just three days, you know, and so we get sucked in and then now are we really doing that now? So that’s the flip side is I guess the dark side of technology is we really, you know, technology companies really understand how to manipulate our chemistry so that we become addicted and need to know. And I think that’s again where you also want to try and find that boundary is when is it an addiction? I’m going to do the choice. And that’s an awareness piece for each individual. Am I choosing this because I want to or can I not put it down?

ART: Yeah. You know, and the problem today is that parents don’t talk to their children, don’t communicate with their children enough. To transfer the, the knowledge that they have to their children to protect themselves in some of these things. And I know that you have some recommendations on some digital products. Is that correct? On on some boundaries?

RNOLD SMITH: Well, I mean I think that we have the connection happened to me have the connection that after couples, and so, uh, you know, both of these things are dying, are designed to enhance communication. I help you create awareness, no thought, kind of be fun, you know? So the idea being that when you download the APP and use it, it encourages you to develop the habits that lead to greater connection with people. And I think that all of those things really help you to understand your boundaries between, for yourself and communication. And that’s really the core of, of what setting good boundaries is all about is really communication. And so that’s the starting place. So as a company for us, we asked how can we use technology to help people have the lives they want and focus on what’s important instead of using technology to distract people from what’s important. So that’s kind of our mission.

ART: This is where you’re gonna be an odd question, but I’m full of odd questions.

RNOLD SMITH: My favorite kind.

ART: Senior citizens are so lonely, particularly having lost my wife. I know there was a period of time I went through, but I, I look around and I see so many seniors, they’ve gone through retirement, they, they’ve lost a spouse or they lost something that was really near and dear to them. It seems to be this APP would be so beneficial to seniors –

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm Mm.

ART: -to get connected not only with their own age group but with younger people and all that we have. We are seniors, because I consider myself senior though I’ll never be retired. I just, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Right.

ART: -you know, but I think activity, this is what the APP I assumes gets people to become doers, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yes.

ART: -become to make them take the action and have the competence to take the action that is, so it seems to me that this for senior citizens would be a marketplace for your product –

RNOLD SMITH: –Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

ART: -and your service that is under underserved by the whole media generate, you know, the whole digital generation. They think that, you know, they don’t the seniors don’t know how to use computers and, and all of these things where a lot of them do. And If they had the practice to, to have something that really was a value to them. And this to me would be valuable because they’re starved for, for connection.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Seniors are starved for connection.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: They’ve lived full, fruitful lives and now all of a sudden they’re supposed to go sit in a rocking chair and just shrivel up and size of her prune and blow away and get buried, nah.

RNOLD SMITH: Nah, no way I agree yeah. No, I, I think that that’s, you know, um, it’s such a shame in our society. One of the challenges actually writing I was writing today was the idea of people picking a seven people in their life to connect to. And so for seven weeks, they, they, they connect with this person once a week. And what my thought process is around this is, you know, you have your aunts and your cousins that might be your grandma and you know, young people are not, it’s not young people. We’re, we’re so focused on the demands of our own life that we forget to read shown, oh, my aunt had surgery last month and I wonder how she’s doing like that thought might happen, but you don’t actually take action. And then you have those people who are actually might be really down and could really use a lift. And so I really see that this is not just for seniors, but you know that, loneliness is actually quite a big issue. In fact, the youngest generation as is often is the loneliness. And they [inaudible] me most often it was I, there’s kind of like the baby boomers are the least lonely and then the age just about that. So as you age, towards the end of your life, that’s when you get lonelier or you can get lonely or, but statistically, you know, if the younger generation, the 18 to 24 that are actually the loneliest generation, isn’t that interesting?

ART: Yes it is. And I, and I actually think it’s, it’s even becoming lower age groups.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Uh, because the parents are so busy and they’re so, they’re, they’re farmed out and they don’t, there’s not that family connection. The family structure’s broken down – –

RNOLD SMITH: -Yeah.

ART: -to the point now where, and I think that this is why young kids are so susceptible to some of the, some of the adverse things that are out there because they are, they’re not being nourished in their, their relationships and then their communication skills and, and, uh, the connection that we had, I mean, when, when I was little baseball, I mean was my thing. And I know when I was, when it was taken away from me because we moved from being in a very urban area to a very rural area and I mean rural where our neighbors, we’re three miles away and they were in their nineties and I had no kids around us and I was, I so isolated and had played ball and had friends and all that kind of stuff. And then boom, it was taken away –

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm, yeah.

ART: -and all I, all I had were animals that I could talked to my brother’s horse and I used to talk to the cows and everything. But you know, for me it was great, my brother’s horse used to put his head on my shoulder and literally when I was crying would nudge me in and I know that there was a connection.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: I connected. So you know.

RNOLD SMITH: Horses are amazing that way. They really are.

ART: Yup. Dogs, dogs are amazing that way too. They know our feelings.

RNOLD SMITH: I wanted to go back to something that you said, which I think is really important for people to understand. And the idea you talked about nourish, you know that there are connections aren’t nourished. What happens when we connect online, you know the, the pictures and the messages. We actually get a little dopamine released in our brains so we it feels good to feel connected to,  to get those messages to see those things and we, we feel like we’re connected so we feel like we’re feeling good. But what we don’t get is the positive physiological response of actually when you really connect with another person, when you really see them on, you can actually communicate now getting positive messages from your friends and you know saying them saying nice things about you. That stuff is really good too, but there is a whole physiological response that we get when we’re actually with people and I think that what happens for our younger generation is they feel like they’re connected and they don’t have that experience of like really being with someone, giving them their full attention, really get connected with them. Understanding, knowing how to understand what’s being communicated without being said. There’s a whole level of listening that people are losing as a society. And if our parents or if their parents haven’t taught in that, then they miss that as well in that generation keeps getting passed on. And I think that this is one of the key pieces around being with by when you really get in sync with another person, that’s what keeps you healthy. And so that’s what keeps you away from that downward spile of loneliness and depression. And so this is what, even though we’re an APP that’s designed to encourage people to connect in their life, we’re using external triggers for the behaviors. What I have lunch with a friend, when I sit down at my desk, you know, before I go to work at the dinner table, it’s about how do I integrate these connection habits so that I’m generating those moments of positivity, not only for myself, but for the people I care about. So they always feel loved and appreciated. And that’s the goal of the connection app.

“What happens when we connect online…we feel like we're connected. So we feel like we're feeling good. But what we don't get is the positive physiological response.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: And that’s really downright, it’s genius and it’s beautiful. I mean, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Thank you.

ART: -because it really is because…it’s so lacking, it’s so lacking in our world today that the connections, and I know you probably don’t want to go over, I’m going to go with this, but how, you know, the political climate that we’re in right now is –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -so divisive.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: And that drives a wedge and connections in it. It’s actually driving a wedge in families –

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm.

ART: -and in communities in, in, I mean, I’ve seen it in churches. I mean, I’ve seen it in so many different areas and I’m not so much interested in the political part of it as I am the mental state of it and what it’s doing to us.

RNOLD SMITH: –Hmm Mm.

ART: Because, uh, –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -I, I mean, I was in a restaurant the other day and a woman that was sitting in a table next to me, my wife and I were sitting there talking and she overheard, she said: “What is it that you do”? And I said: “Well, I’m an author and speaker in a podcast or”, and she said: “Well, what’s it about”? And I said: “Well, my area of expertise is in expectations by podcast is called shower epiphany’s”. And I said: “It’s basically based around having faith over fear”. She goes: “Oh, you’re one of those, Huh”? And literally shut the conversation off, paid her bill and left. And I thought, how say it, she did not even get to learn what my idea about faith is because for me, faith is a very broad term. Faith isn’t always about religion. It’s more about you’re believing in the possibilities of life and believing in the possibility of everything. I always talk about the possibility of everything –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -because everything is always possible to me.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: When you believe that it isn’t, it isn’t. But if you believe that it is, it’s an open mindedness that creates…abundantly beautiful opportunities in so many different areas of your life –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -and that’s what communications about. But she cut it off, she never even let me get to say anything about it.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: How do we overcome these divisiveness that’s in the country? And I know you and I are both on the same bandwagon about going out and doing things, but for the listener out there that has a family member that’s not talking to them anymore, how, what specific steps can they take –

RNOLD SMITH: –Mm.

ART: -get that communication back open? So there’s a connection.

“When you search for something positive … that allows for a space, open up for a conversation.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

RNOLD SMITH: So in, I think really just acknowledging the positive, really seeing what you can be grateful for. I think often times what will happen in these relationships will start playing a script in our head that is, is not, that is the opposite of the negative thought. If they’re doing this and they did that and you just really go into a pattern of thought. And I think that separating kind of what happened with our story about what happened. Like you know, so that woman walked away from the table. That’s what happened, she didn’t, I mean you could say, oh she was so insulting or she was mean or she, you know, all that said, you can make up all those stories about it and then you’re like, next time you see her she’s an insulting me in person. But all she did was shut down the conversation so, and she might have a whole story around you know, like hurt, you know, maybe she was part of a cult and she couldn’t deal with that and she got scared and had to go. But she’s not a mean person she just, you know, we live in this story about what happened in that mind. There is no reconciliation but when you search or something positive, when you search something successful about your relationship or something acknowledged, something positive that’s happening or something positive with that person, when you think about who they are as a person and try and find that you think about their good qualities, well that allows for a space to open up for a conversation or you know, we are allowed to have our differences and this is mostly who you are. And we have our difference here and that that is a place where we all get to move forward. When we all get to say he, they have a perspective and I have a perspective and really if we want to grow as a humanity, as a species, we actually need to consider all the perspectives. And the danger is when, when we…vilify each other and paint everybody with the same brush, we forget the goodness that’s in those and everyone, we forget that they’re not just evil people or you know, how could you, how could you support that? That’s against my then now they become evil and that’s a massive leap. Whereas we have a difference of opinion and, and if we can live in that we are, we are mostly good people trying to do our best and we have some differences. And if we can figure out a way to work together at the end of that is actually a better solution than we would’ve come up with on our own are often can be. And I think that’s the place whereas if you can create these moments of connections, if we can stay connected as a people and our shared goodness, that’s the foundation that we can build for the communication that will make the difference for people.

“If you can create these moments of connections, if we can stay connected as a people, and our shared goodness, that's the foundation that we can build for the communication that will make the difference for people.”-RNOLD SMITH Click To Tweet

ART: Well, and there’s no better way to, to close out this hour is hard to believe that it’s an hour’s almost gone by and I want to give you some more opportunity to tell us, so I’m not going to cut you off immediately, but how can our audience download the connection App and learn more about your mission online and on social media? Tell us where they can get ahold of you. Give us the whole shot because I want him to hear it.

RNOLD SMITH: Uh, you can go to your favorite app store either, um, you know, the APP store or Google play or, or just come to the connection app.com and learn more about what we’re up to and uh, yeah. Also at the connection app on Instagram and Facebook.

ART: Wow, that’s great. I have one more questions, cause I can’t go without asking.

RNOLD SMITH: –Sure.

ART: Now Michelle is, is your partner in this business right? Can you tell us a little bit about her? I wish, I wish she could have been here with us today because I would have loved to have female perspective on some of this.

RNOLD SMITH: Absolutely. Yeah, she’s at, she’s been really great. So she’s a life coach and she’s been through some turmoil in her life around relationships and so she really passionate as really come to believe that um, relationships are kind of the cornerstone of the happy and healthy life. And so she is just really saw the opportunity with the APP and wanting to make sure it happened.

ART: Oh, that’s great.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: Super. Well folks it’s been a, a really short hour and Rnold we’re going to do this again. I just got a great feeling about you and, and I know we connected and it’s great. So, uh, everybody you can find out about the connection app in our show notes. All the information will be in there we’ll share it with you and I’m gonna encourage you to go out and get this APP.

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: I know, I know I am because I think they can benefit every single human being on the face of this or share it with your children, share it with your spouse, share it with your workmates, get them to get this APP –

RNOLD SMITH: –Yeah.

ART: -and we’ll make a difference in this world because that’s what it’s all about is becoming difference makers. And uh, with that being said, uh, you know where you can get ahold of me, gang on expectationtherapy.com on all social media and Heather White, can you take us out of the, out of this broadcast has a great one.

 

About Rnold Smith

Rnold Smith carries a childhood of tragic stories. Living a life with purpose and meaning was somehow blurry. But, amidst all the sadness and loneliness, this young boy packed his courage and determination to live his dream life. This led him to where he is now, the President and Chief Visionary of Connections App Inc. He authored books as well as the Connection App, an app that makes his childhood vision come to life.

Connect with Rnold:

Website: https://theconnectionapp.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rnold.smith.1
Twitter:  https://twitter.com/rnoldsmith?lang=en
LinkedIn: https://ca.linkedin.com/in/rnold-smith-0a0a02

 

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